The Missing Link and the Humping Dog
by yamigoddesslj
Summary: Another Disney-analysis-bashing fic, the second I've written. Yami Yugi watches The Little Mermaid, and Yami Bakura comes in to analyze the movie for him. Rated for weirdness, sarcasm, funnies, Coke spills, acid trips, and Bakura's mouth.


The Missing Link and the Humping Dog

This one is Yami Yugi watching_ The Little Mermaid_, and I'm making Y. Yugi more civilized. Because he'd be less inclined to random bursts of insanity than Y. Bakura. Don't worry, Bakura shows up at the wrong time. This starts off more sarcastic, but once Bakura comes over to visit…

I have nothing against gay people. I am a lesbian. A lesbian with a yaoi fetish.

Disclaimer: THIS FIC CONTAINS BASHING OF DISNEY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Also, I don't own anything I mention, except a beignet obsession (yummy!), a love for cooking, and knowledge of how to brew iced tea. Yum.

To stariii: I read your profile, haha. I had some time to kill. How about 'stewardesses?' ^-^

"Alright, Yami, what now?" The pharaoh crossed his arms. He made a face like the next words were difficult for him.

"The thief was right!" Yugi sighed. Ryou had warned him about ancient guys and Disney. He had just chalked it up to Bakura's insanity…but, obviously, the two didn't mix.

"How, Yami?"

"These movies are completely ridiculous!"

"How, Yami?" It was a little more resigned than his last iteration of the question.

"The fish-people. First of all, how did they come to be? Also, how do they breathe? And how in the gods' good names does anyone speak underwater?" Yugi used the tactic of avoiding the question, on which Ryou had advised him.

"It's Disney, Yami." He saw the red eyes form that pout that never took over his face, and Yugi sighed. "I'll try, since it's you. I think the fish-people must have been a bad joke by a fish and a man. I guess they have some weird device in their lungs that makes water like air or something. They speak by the wonder of animation, and I'm not sure about how they speak underwater. Maybe they move their lips and communicate telepathically."

Yami sensed that Yugi (a.) had no idea and (b.) was mocking him. He turned back to the movie with no expression.

"Yami, I'm not making fun of you! I just never really thought about it. That's not the point; you're supposed to get a message from it." Yami raised one eyebrow as he paused the movie again.

"You'd think the creepy redhead would make some better friends with a whole kingdom of fish people at her beck and call. That crab-lobster is feeling a lot like you are at this point, I imagine. And the flounder? Why is it bright yellow with blue stripes? I guess that there may be a fish with that coloring, but I don't see why it looks like a toddler who ate too much candy all the time." Yugi shook his head.

"I don't know, Yami." Yami grimaced as he saw the girl's father, the King, whom Yami had dubbed 'Chicken of the Sea'.

"Oooh goodness, where do I begin with that man? How can the old man have a teenaged daughter? A _biological_ teenaged daughter, I mean. How old does that make his wife? Do they have wives under the sea?" A pause. "Oh, yes, sing about your problems. I'm sure that will solve everything perfectly."

"You could sing about your problems. I wouldn't mind, Yami." Yugi was a little teasing.

"Not in your lifetime, aibou. Not. In. Your. Lifetime." He glanced back at the screen. "Alright, the guy falls off his boat and the first thing she does is go rescue him, even though she's just been told not to, and she _sings_ to him. How is singing related to life skills? Is this the message I'm supposed to be getting?"

"Yami…"

"Oh, right, because_ true love_," he mocked the 'fish-girl's' dramatic gestures, "is always perfect and at first sight, never mind that you could have any man in your stupid underwater physics-defying kingdom. And you know his name…I've forgotten, how? Also, you don't even know if this guy is mentally stable! The first time you see him he's dancing with a dog or letting the dog hump him or something! For all you know, he's insane! Gods, what _is_ this movie?" Now he was going into his mood, where he was almost eerily similar to Yami Bakura in temperament. "This movie is strange and does not follow a discernable plot!"

"I thought I heard yelling. What- is- that?" Bakura had chosen this moment to strut in as if he owned Yugi's room, and he was currently looking at the TV as if it were about to explode. "The missing link is singing! Holy fuck, it's another Disney movie! How many did the idiots make?" He plopped down on Yugi's bed next to the 'baka pharaoh,' spitting out his Coke with a messy spray as he saw the villain.

"Gods above, does no one understand?" He was in full wounded-moose mode. "The villains can be just a fabulous as the heroes, for the gods'-"

"You'd think she'd run out of air that far under the water, and why does she have to sing?"

"The fucking magic again! You- can't- do- that!"

"At least there was a price. Yugi made me watch one before-_Salmonella_?" Bakura's smile was manic.

"You don't _sa-ay_."

"The magic- it was ridiculous! Oh, naked woman, pause the TV." He fumbled with the remote. "Pause! Pause! Pause, goddamit! PAUSE!" His Millennium Ring glowed as he was preparing to send the remote to the Shadow Realm.

"Gods, it's over already?"

"The seagull- is- talking! Why does it look like-"

"Jonouchi?" Yami's eyes widened as he looked at the seagull. "You have to admit, thief, the resemblance is striking. Not to mention the fascination with shiny things."

"The dog is definitely several cans shy of a six-pack- maybe five or so." He glanced at the screen. "Okay, you'd think the bimbo would find a fuckin' stick and write in the sand that the stupid ugly squid woman took away her voice because she just_ couldn't_ settle for anyone else in the world- I'm starting to see a theme in these ridiculous movies- and gave her a set of legs, and gods, those are some fine legs-"

"She's, what, sixteen? Isn't that illegal?"

"But it really doesn't seem like a fair trade, because she just looks stupid twirling her- oh, gross! Her hair- on- a- fork! Who listens to the seagull? She does, because she's a ninny! Oh, disgusting, that's some old guy's pipe! It has old-guy drool on it!" Yugi did not comment on Bakura's age and tendency to drool over Ryou's recently-acquired leather fetish.

"Personally, I think she looked better in the sheet."

"You're just so gay, Pharaoh, you have no idea…" Bakura crossed his arms, upsetting his Coke on Yugi's bed, the hikari putting his head in his hands and running for paper towels. "Oh, riiiiight! Sing about it! That_ always_ makes everything better! Are they high? Because if a crab and some flamingoes, which do not inhabit wherever they are natively, for certain, start singing to me, I'm tripping on acid! I'm not gonna kiss that freaky missing-link girl who stalked me all the way out of whatever primordial ooze she crawled out of, I'm gonna start staring at my hand like it's the fucking Messiah! Gods_ damn_ these movies and their gaping plot holes!"

"Oh, more magic. This is not right! She can't just change into a girl and then put the redhead's voice in her, it's one thing too many! There's- a- price! There is _always _a price!" Yami and Bakura were currently shaking their fists at the television. Yugi tried his best to clean up the Coke spill while avoiding both Yami and Bakura's asses, turning his head away. He really didn't want to stare at them.

"I like how those animals attack. Why can't they go for the main characters? And the girl is currently…wait, I'm confused. He likes this girl who was a squid-octopus-hair-lady even though he knows damn well that the redhead was the missing link who sang to him like a total wimp instead of flashing cleavage and using some good pickup lines, but he's all of a sudden bipolar and picks the other chick who happens to have the same voice?" Yami was on the same track as Bakura, who was yelling at the huge squid-octopus-hair-lady.

"Pedo fairy! Pedo fairy! PEDO FAIRY!" Bakura put his head in his hands, a pathetic whimper escaping until he saw the lightning bolts flying out of the SOHL's shiny new phallic symbol. "Oh, now that's more _like_ it! The old guy's a fungus of some kind! And she's about to get the hell rid of those ridiculous main characters! And she's- fuck, no! They can't defeat her! There's no way in hell! Nooo!"

"I don't get the physics on that, either…" Yami was decidedly less vocal than the outraged Bakura.

"The missing link- oh, a RAINBOW! Prince Pansy is_ gay_ in this movie! Yesss! What? Married? FUCK!" He paused, working out a summary for the movie, which Ryou had forced him to watch earlier that day. "Ladies and gentlemen…there is a message to be learned here." He stood, crossing his arms, assuming a victorious stance. "If the missing link can find freakish love, so can you! All you need is a stalker collection of human artifacts, a humping dog, a squid-octopus-hair-lady pedo fairy, two radioactive eels, a Jono seagull, a pre-boiled lobster, a candy-overdosed fish, a dad who's older than Gandalf, vocal talent- which, as Ryou informs me, is not the same as 'throat skills'- mad transvestite skills, and an acid-tripping gay prince!" He smirked widely, having triumphed once again over Disney.

Having made Yugi clean up his mess free of charge? Well, that was just a bonus.

A/N: Yess! I love that movie, sooo much, I'm serious. It's always been a favorite. Thanks to my lovely reviewer Zyrx for requesting this one- I was planning on this one next, but your review made it a reality!

This is a creative outlet for my sarcasm and inherent bitchiness! These Disney fics are fueled by Jeffree Star, whom I_ love_. I'm addicted to the music, haha.

On a different note, YGO fans are the greatest! I've written for FFVII, but in this fandom everyone is so nice and positive- I'll have to write YGO more often! I love you all! I wish I could give you all cookies! Beignets for reviewers! *gives out sugary treats* Diabetics get nommy sugarfree brownies! I love to cook! *returns to kitchen*

Any suggestions? Maybe for the next movie to analyze? Any bits I left out that you were looking for? Give me a shout! Review! Reviews get beignets! (A beignet is a deep-fried dough pastry that's served with powdered sugar, it's reeeeally delicious. It's like a French donut, and they're popular down South, especially in Louisiana! We talk about them like we talk about the Café du Monde and New Orleans, one of my favorite places!) Iced tea will be served to whoever hasn't had it Texas-style too!


End file.
